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Stop Being So Harsh When You Complain To Your Partner

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How we express our thoughts and feelings can significantly impact the dynamics of our relationships, especially with our partners. Have you ever noticed that sometimes the way you start a conversation can predict its outcome? Today, we explore the concept of the "softened start-up" – a technique that can transform the way you communicate with your partner.

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Understanding the Harsh Start-Up vs. Softened Start-Up:

Often, we initiate conversations with our partners in ways that may unintentionally lead to conflict. A harsh start-up involves being critical, contemptuous, or blaming, which can make our partners defensive and block effective communication. Picture this: you're frustrated about a situation, say, always cooking dinner, and you approach it with a harsh start-up: "You're too cheap to take me out to dinner! How come you never take me out anymore?" Ouch, right? These feelings are completely understandable, but the way that it is express it’s just in effective and getting what you really want which is your partner to contribute and take you out.

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Contrast this with a softened start-up, where you express your concerns gently and respectfully: "You know, I'm feeling bored of my own cooking. Would you mind if we go out to dinner tonight?" This approach is softer, non-blaming, and more likely to be received positively.

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Mastering the Softened Start-Up:

• Use "I" Statements: Describe your feelings and preferences using "I" statements. Instead of saying "you always," express your emotions: "I am upset that the dishes are piling up in the sink. I am overwhelmed with how much laundry we have to do."
• Avoid Criticism and Blame: Refrain from making global critical statements about your partner's personality. Focus on specific situations and your feelings. For example, say, "I'd appreciate it if you could clean up the dishes tonight, please."
• Express Positive Needs: Frame your requests in positive terms. Instead of saying what you dislike, state what you want: "Would you please help me with this?" Positivity encourages cooperation.
• Show Appreciation: Express gratitude and appreciation for your partner's efforts. Saying "thank you" goes a long way in encouraging positive behavior.

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Why Softened Start-Ups Matter:

Research by the Gottman Institute shows that the first three minutes of a conflict discussion can predict the relationship's future. By incorporating softened start-ups into your communication, you create a more respectful and understanding atmosphere, fostering a sense of teamwork.

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Final Thoughts:

Remember, effective communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships. By mastering the art of the softened start-up, you can navigate challenging conversations with grace and understanding. Practice patience, be mindful of your words, and watch how your relationship transforms positively.

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Click on the bottom link to read our latest blog on this topic or watch our video, with our director and Gottman-Trained therapist at Couples Counseling ATL, Stephanie Cook, where she explains in further detail. Finally, stay tuned these next couple of weeks to learn more about different upcoming topics!

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Stephanie Cook

Stephanie Cook, LCSW, is an expert relationship counselor with 17 years of clinical experience and the first certified Gottman Couples Therapist in the state of Georgia. She has been teaching as a certified Gottman Seven Principles Program Educator for seven years and is the founder and Executive Director of Couples Counseling ATL, the only Gottman method couples therapy center in the Southeast, with 7 full-time couples therapists serving couples 7 days per week.

She has been intensively trained in every offered training in the Gottman Couples Therapy Method and Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) as well as the additional Gottman Method Trainings for Couples regarding Addiction Recovery, Infidelity, Trauma/PTSD, and Domestic Violence. She has also been trained in the PREPARE-ENRICH model of premarital counseling as well as the Discernment Method of counseling couples on the brink of divorce or separation.

Stephanie lives in Atlanta with her family, including her amazing husband and their three energetic young sons. She enjoys karaoke parties with her neighborhood friends in Grant Park, watching stand-up and improvisational comedy, family bike rides on her souped-up electric radwagon, which her husband calls "her hog", dancing, and general banter and philosophizing on the porch with her husband and friends. Check out more of Stephanie's educational videos here:

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